Sunday, September 16, 2018

Goodbye Mom

You didn't say goodbye to me, but I will to you. I will always love and miss you. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you.

She passed away Saturday night on September 8, 2018 at 10:15 p.m. and is now with my dad (whether he likes it or not.) Or maybe she's with her two younger sisters. Either way, rest in peace my dear mom.

She had posted a song on her Facebook timeline last year on May 15, 2017. It's called "Hold On" by the Scott brothers (aka The Property Brothers on HGTV). It's a beautiful song, but considering the circumstances, it's also very melancholy. I've always wondered where "home" was for my mom, but wherever it is, I hope she's there now. (Link to YouTube)

Never in my life have I heard or seen my mother crying. (I hope to God she never cried over me!) But I did see her afraid on two different occasions: once when we had flown together from Las Vegas to visit my father. We had experienced a lot of air turbulence. She began shaking, then took my hand and held it tight for several minutes until the plane had finally settled down. Afterwards she behaved as though nothing had happened. The other time I saw my mom afraid was when I had walked with her inside a medical facility when she needed to have a hip replaced. (And I'm still haunted that I didn't spend more time with her afterwards during her recovery.) But when I think of my mom being afraid, it breaks my heart to think of how she must have felt when she first learned she had cancer. I was heartbroken when I first learned, because it was after she had already passed away, and I couldn't be around in her final days to offer her any comfort at all. (It was her wish that I never knew.) I will always wonder if or what she might have thought about me in her final hours, just before she became unresponsive and finally succumbed to her illness. I pray to God that she is at peace and is happy beyond any joy she has ever known in life. And I hope that a more deserving family member will honor her with a proper eulogy and post it online for the world to see. Goodbye mom. I'll never be able to stop saying goodbye to you. I love you, Bud.

I should move on soon, to begin the healing . . .but if would be very comforting if my immediate family could offer me condolences . . . I wish them the same.