The CEO Manifesto

We, the CEOs of the United States, as the job creators, will always fully commit to (in no specific order):

Continue to primarily support Republicans, as they better protect the interests of the largest banks and multi-national corporate conglomerates (although, currently, the Democrats have done so likewise). Republicans also weaken worker's rights by sabotaging their representation in the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration and the National Labor Relations Board (among others).

It's also worth noting that, as an added benefit, Republicans usually block meaningful regulatory litigation and they are also notorious for under-funding the IRS. This is good news for the CEOs and corporations, especially if they deliberately set up complicated tax structures using shell companies and offshore bank accounts to avoid paying taxes. This helps preserve corporate profits and allows for very generous executive compensation packages.

Both Republicans and Democrats give tax breaks to these banks and corporations, continually allowing them to pay a lower tax rate on company profits and executive compensation packages. So we will continue to give "contributions" to both political parties. That way, the CEOs (job creators) can continue to increase company profits and executive compensation packages (including, but not limited to, base salaries, stock option awards, bonuses and corporate "perks" --- such as company jets, limos, yachts, corporate "safe houses", etc.)

Continue to do anything and everything possible to influence State politicians to pass "right to work" laws to help bust labor unions and to drive down wages and employee benefits --- so that the CEOs and other executive board members (the job creators) can continue to strive for unlimited profit margins with exponential executive compensation packages --- always striving to exceed the previous year's, year after year after year.

Whenever possible, outsource to other countries to avoid paying fair wages and employees benefits, and to avoid as many regulatory and environmental laws as possible, so the CEOs (job creators) can increase profits and executive compensation packages.

No matter how cheaply we can produce goods and services, whether from out-sourcing, in-sourcing, layoffs, increased worker productivity, reduced wages and benefits, or automation (robotics), we will continually raise the prices on goods and services to consumers --- to further increase profits and executive compensation packages.

Use H-1B visas (and other guestworker programs) whenever possible to lower payroll costs, or use robots whenever possible (and always saying, "we have to be more competitive in the global marketplace", even when we have no other competitors at all), so that the CEOs (job creators) can increase their company profits and executive compensation packages.

Do everything possible to keep unemployment high so that the labor market remains saturated, making people more desperate and more willing to work harder for less pay (aka "increased worker productivity"), so the CEOs (job creators) can increase profits and executive compensation packages.

Be sure to have a very well organized public relations department. Some very good PR spin could make "fracking" sound like it's good for the environment (Remember: Always say it will "create jobs" because that's always a winning argument in the PR racket.) This will also help the CEOs (job creators) to increase profits and executive compensation packages.

Lobby Congress and donate to the political campaigns of both political parties for special laws, regulations, and tax breaks --- and promise good jobs (like as a lobbyist or a company VP) to members of Congress after they leave office --- so that the CEOs (job creators) can increase profits and executive compensation packages.

Continue to obtain any and all intellectual property, and patent any and all ideas, strictly for corporate use. Continue to use any and all government and college resources from research and development for the purpose of profit. Continue to use any and all military applications, space exploration, and any other scientific advances (e.g. medical research) for profit and executive compensation packages.

Always remember to protect "defense spending" in the name of "national defense" to protect our "national interests" abroad, while at the same time, promoting the privatization of Social Security and Medicare. Use cheaper labor abroad for any defense spending whenever possible --- to further increase company profits and executive compensation packages.

Use "jobs" as hostages whenever negotiating special tax breaks and regulations, or threaten to leave the host city, state or the country if the company's demands aren't met. This is another way the CEOs (job creators) can increase profits and executive compensation packages.

Continue to use the "divide and conquer" strategy to pit one class of worker against another, absolving us of any blame for the human misery. Pit the upper-class against the middle-class, the middle-class and against the lower-class --- and pit them all against the working poor, the unemployed and the abject poor. Always deflect blame by blaming others. This strategy has worked for a millennium. For over 2,000 years the bankers have used this strategy to increase their profits and executive compensation packages...so shall we.

Always "incorporate" every subsidiary of a subsidiary of your business to avoid any and all potential personal and criminal liability (and only pay small fines as a cost of doing business whenever or "if" any wrong-doing is ever discovered). This also helps the CEOs (job creators) to increase profits and executive compensation packages.

Use massively under-taxed company profits (that the company had lobbied Congress for) to buy out any potential business rivals to keep the cost of goods and services to consumers as high as the market can bear, so as to avoid any type of fair competition, by rigging the market to ~~monopolize~~ dominate the industry...so that the CEOs (job creators) can increase profits and executive compensation packages.

Always use the national and local media (and social networking websites) to promote corporate interests and to push political agendas (and to constantly show the company as a "good community leader"). Always say you have the interests of the neighborhood and your workers at heart. Say corporate governance is one of the company's top priorities. Say anything that the general public might believe, so the CEOs (job creators) can increase profits and executive compensation packages.

To spin a positive corporate image, instead of raising the employees wages, give 75% less of that cost in some form of philanthropy (e.g. a social cause such as "feeding the poor" or "saving the children", etc.). Or give to an institution such as a charity or church where your company also has a member on the same board of directors. It's also a good tax write-off (lowering the "effective" tax rate for corporations) and allows corporate officers to have better control of how corporate resources are used, despite what public opinion polls may indicate...so the CEOs (job creators) can increase profits and executive compensation packages.

Whenever publicly referring to your employees, refrain from using terms such as "the little people", "peons", "the 47%" or "my dogs". To be politically correct, call them "employees", "team members" or "associates". This will also have them believe that they belong to some kind of "family" and will help promote their loyalty to the company (while also increasing "worker productivity"). Convince them that what's good for the company is good for them...so the CEOs (job creators) can increase profits and executive compensation packages.

Continue to promote "wedge issues" (such as immigration reform, gay marriage, gun control, abortion and birth control, climate change, the environment, etc.) and foreign policy issues (Iran, Syria, North Korea, etc.) as distractions for the general public so they are far less focused on campaign reform, tax reform, congressional reform or Wall Street reform --- so they are a little less focused on our record profits and excessive executive compensation packages.

Do anything and everything possible (even ~~bribing~~ lobbying Congress to change laws so that no laws can be broken during the course of conducting business) so the CEOs (job creators) can increase profits and executive compensation packages. Nothing else matters - - - so long as the CEOs (job creators) can increase profits and executive compensation packages.

If anyone complains about unemployment, poor wages, lack of healthcare or wealth inequality, remind them that if it were not for the "job creators" they would not have TVs, toothpaste, cellphones or cheeseburgers. Remind them that they need us for everything, and that they should be grateful for us. Tell them that anything we may have to offer them should be gratefully accepted, no matter what. Always remind them that the CEOs and the their executive officers should be put on pedestals and idolized, not vilified. Remind them that corporations are also "people" and that the CEOs have feelings too. Ask them to stop waging a "class war" on you (play the victim).

And if anyone disagrees with the CEOs (and the other corporate board members) in their quest to increase their record profits and excessive executive compensation packages (at the expense of most American workers), use the national and local media (and social networking websites) to label them as "far left wing loons", "anti-American", "anti-freedom", "anti-free markets" and "Socialists". A good smear campaign is always the best campaign, and the best propaganda is best used often, repeatedly and liberally (Fox News is good at this). This helps CEOs (job creators) to increase profits and executive compensation packages.

Tell the masses that excessive profits and excessive CEO pay is what made America so great and exceptional. And always, always, remind them....you are the "job creators".

But if all else fails, then simply "eliminate" the dissenter, competitor or whistleblower. Crush them. Destroy them. Do whatever it takes (while also using our courts, police, and armies) so that the CEOs (job creators) can continue to increase their profits and executive compensation packages...

(...but for infinity?...without end?...forever?)

Can corporate profits and executive compensation packages ever be finite?

If a high school graduate turns 18 years old this year and can't find a part-time job at McDonald's when the U.S. population is only 315 million, what will they be doing 37 years from now when they are 55 years old when the U.S. population will be 438 million? What if the retirement age is 75 years old by then? What if there is no more Social Security? What jobs will there be in the year 2050?

And maybe by then, with new technology, McDonald's might not be hiring anyone at all. Robots might be working at their drive-thru windows. The CEO of McDonalds's will no longer be able to hold the esteemed title of "job creator". Where will people work? What will they all do? All Americans can't be engineers or CEOs. Without a job, who can buy Chicken McNuggets? This is the critical time when we reach the economic saturation threshold of zero sum.

So after "globalization" is totally complete, after all the natural and human resources have been almost completely expended, when there are no longer any more "emerging markets", and after technology has superseded the need for human labor for most production and services, the CEOs will then have to prepare to exploit other planets...so that they (the job creators) can continue to increase their corporate profits and excessive executive compensation packages.

An Improbable (if not Impossible) Solution

If the western industrialized nations (or the G-8) could agree on a standard wage scale, a corporate tax rate and a cap on executive pay, these businesses would not need to increase profits "at any cost" to their workers and the consumers of their products and services.

Innovation and technology could still be applied to make their operations more efficient (such as displacing workers with robotics), but cheap labor would no longer be the "end all" solution for increasing profits for the purpose of just increasing executive pay or shareholder value.

The rate of a company's growth would be more natural as a long-term investment, rather than a quest for instant windfalls. If the western industrialized nations could agree on a ban for outsourcing jobs for cheaper labor, the wages they pay to foreign workers would be going to domestic workers as higher wages, which would in turn, be taxed for the benefit of their government.

Trade agreements would have to be re-written with countries that export to the western industrialized nations (or the G-8 countries), to include some of the same provisions for their businesses (such as a wage scale).

Otherwise, looking at the trend of the current labor participation rate in the U.S. suggests that by the year 2050, we might see a rate of 30% instead of 65%. And the CEO pay ratio might be 1,000-to-1 instead of the current 385-to-1. The U-6 unemployment rate might be 30% instead of the current 13.8%. And the top .001% might control 99% of all wealth instead of 40% (or whatever it currently is these days).

If profits and executive compensation is infinite, and the population continues to increase, there will not be enough resources left over for people to sustain life. The top 1% will have everything, the bottom 99% will have nothing. That is the current trend.