BREAKING NEWS - Wasilla, Alaska --- There will be no gift-wrapped presents with bows this year, nor will there be eggnog (spiked or otherwise), or midnight Masses, or Christmas carols; and sadly, no more Christmas trees either. The War on Christmas has finally come to a tragic end today.
Santa Claus's dead and mutilated body was found slumped on the ground early this morning in front of Fox News headquarters in New York City. Un-named sources on the scene had said that a police forensics team on site had found a large hunting knife in Santa's back, buried to the bloodied hilt.
Fox New commentators and Republican politicians were quick to blame Satan-worshiping liberals and Atheists. No official suspects were yet in custody as of this report.
So needless to say, there will be no Christmas Blessings, no Christmas Cheer and no Good Tidings of Great Joy either. And no longer will there be any Christmas stockings hanging by the fireplace, or wreaths, lovingly placed on American front doors.
And no more will Christmas lights adorn the homes and yards of millions of honest, God-fearing and hard-working [Republican] Christians in America.
All across the world faux-pax Santas from shopping malls in every nation on Earth took to the streets in protest, damning the liberal heathens.
So therefore, there will be no longer be milk and cookies left out for Santa Claus on Christmas Eve this year, or any other year for that matter, because Saint Nick had been senselessly and brutally exterminated by that evil and sinister group of "holiday wishers" known as "liberals".
This vicious and immoral group offered no mercy, they showed no remorse, and they offered no apologies. (Sarah Palin has already threatened to retaliate.)
This year, thanks to the War on Christmas, America will never be the same the again. Bill O'Reilly was visibly shaken, saying he was "shaken to the core of my very soul". Like Palin, he too went on the offensive, and said he would personally avenge this travesty on our baby Lord Jesus Christ and the Christian faith.
As he wept, O'Reilly said, "Santa may be dead, but he will live on in our hearts forever as a Martyr for Christmas past." Then he slowly hunkered away, with tears streaming down his cheek, a deeply troubled (but very wealthy) man.
By stark contrast, the Catholic Pope has remained conspicuously silent upon hearing the tragic news of Santa's untimely and early demise. Some Republicans are saying that the Pope may have been personally involved in a conspiracy to slaughter Santa in the liberal's War on Christmas.
Santa was quickly buried at the North Pole with full Christian honors. It is rumored that the entire cast of Fox News had attended the somber affair, being the only "true" Christians that they are.
In the photo below, an innocent and young Christian bereaves the passing of his beloved Santa Claus after the funeral. In tears, he said he will have nightmares for the rest of his life. (His parents also blamed the liberals)
Wrongful death lawsuits are expected to follow. Fox News lawyers have already held preliminary meetings in Manhattan.
It's the end of an era --- the end of Christmas --- the end of life as we once knew it in America. A truly horrific day for Christians everywhere in the world, but mostly for Christians in America --- and especially so for the "true" believers, such as the Republicans --- such as people like Bill O'Reilly and Sarah Palin.
Democratic, Progressive and Liberal Christians, as well as Muslims, Jews, Hindus and Atheists (and all other people of faith and non-believers), as was to be expected, had all kept a very low profile for fear of retribution and retaliation by the Republican and Tea Party sheeple.
It's been reported that Santa's over-worked and under-paid elves, rather than mourning the loss of their boss, were last seen marching in solidarity with striking fast-food and retail workers all across the nation.
Meanwhile, it was reported that the top 0.01% feared declining
holiday Christmas sales, and were also silent on the matter. The CEOs of many major U.S. corporations, along with their lobbyists, have been scrambling to find another religious occasion for which to profit.
As for Mrs. Claus (being a battered wife), she did not attend Santa's funeral, nor was she available for comment for this report.
Via the Huffington Post (excerpted) Happy Holidays vs. Merry Christmas:
Saying "Happy Holidays" to a total stranger on an elevator isn't anti-Christmas, it's being all-inclusive --- since several holidays fall during December --- including Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice and the newly minted secular HumanLight.
That is the very reason that many stores use "Happy Holidays" rather than "Merry Christmas", because they want to be all-inclusive as well --- and welcome as many customers into their stores as possible. So, using "Happy Holidays" is not anti-Christmas, it's pro-business. And isn't Fox News and Bill O'Reilly also pro-business?
Via the Daily Kos: Jon Stewart's hilarious look at the latest in the War on Christmas
Via Swampland: Sarah Palin’s New Book About the “War on Christmas”
Via Salon: Sorry, Sarah Palin: There’s no war on Christmas