Friday, January 14, 2011

I'm So Tired of Being Tired

(Reported on CNN by Ali Velshi today)

I'm tired of the waiting. As I see my life winding down in about three more weeks I have pondered the absence of relevance in my past life, and the lack of significance my passing will be to the world. I am nobody, just another ant on the ant hill. I am just one of over 6 billion humans on earth. An easy sacrifice for those who profit.

I'm tired of ranting and railing against the media, the politicians, the bankers, the CEOs, and all the rest who contributed to the abbreviation my life. Why bother wasting what little time I have left after wasting so much already? That's insane. I was defeated, I surrender. I lose.

I'm tired of the struggle, the meaningless attempts to find gainful employment - to sell myself to others who aren't interested. I feel foolish for even trying now. When does one finally realize that nobody wants you? Just like all my complaints, my job applications were falling on deaf ears. What a terrible waste of precious time. I wish I had the last two years of my life again - I would have done things so much differently.

I'm tired of hoping when after all I've had for over two long years has been isolation, loneliness, disappointment, anger, frustration, and depression while engaging in useless efforts to find work and survive. But no matter how difficult that has been, now I must face the stark reality of the last three weeks of my life.

I'm tired of busting my ass so that others can benefit from my labor when all I could ever afford in life was just a constant and daily struggle to survive. Looking back, I ask myself, "For what?" Just to eat and breathe - something that the taxpayers, employers, and government leaders don't feel is important enough to maintain. Maybe it's time for a long rest. Maybe they're right, I'm not worth the financial investment any more. A waste of resources.

I'm tired of living in fear and the dreams I have at night. I'm tired of always peeking through the living room blinds, waiting for the car to be repossessed. I'm tires of wondering when I'll lose my electricity, heat, and cable service. I'm tired of the holes in my socks. I'm tired of asking for help or understanding. I'm tired of those who feel no empathy - those who still have jobs and go about their lives as though people like me don't exist. Apathy is all I see.

I'm tired of being made to feel like dirt because I lost my job, used up all my funds, and can no longer pay my bills - as though I never worked a day in my life and have been on the government dole like a blood-sucking leech to the taxpayers all these years. I'm tired of being talked to and treated and looked down upon as a big loser because I lost my means of supporting myself at the age of 55.

I'm tired of waiting for a family reconciliation. Strangers have come to feel more sympathy than anyone who used to be a family member. A bitter pill to swallow to know that someone you loved since birth allowed you to perish. It's been that way since Kane and Abel I suppose, no one can be trusted or depended upon. People lie, cheat, steal, and kill for earthly goods as though hell doesn't exist - death is just nothingness to those who don't believe in a superior entity.

I'm tired of being so alone. Although there have been other jobless people I've come to know and admire through the internet, they've mostly been jobless strangers who have banded together from across the country who feel this connection to one another. Our commonality may be our desperation - a pitiful thing to share with others when that is the glue to a friendship. But I am most appreciative to those who have reached out to me and have showed me support and offered their kindness and help to me. But like everyone else, I can never repay them back either.

I'm tired of things breaking or getting old because I can't afford to replace, fix, or repair anything. Like my own life, all my possessions are coming unraveled as well. It's been a downward spiral that's been quickly escalating lately. I've been frantic while watching things like my previous web sites go down, and by the end of the month I will also lose my cable TV and internet connection (I begged them to allow me this much added time with a promise to pay them with a non-existent tax return next month.)

I'm tired of waiting for a miracle to happen or someone to save me because I wasn't capable of saving myself any longer. I'm seven years away from Social Security benefits and a union pension, so that is not enough to hope for. Seven years living as a homeless man at my age and with my health is impossible. After being refused a job for over two years I have atrophy and back pain - and shortness of breath from too much stress-related smoking.

I'm tired of being tired - I'm so depressed that I can barely leave my home to buy food, but I must - just one more time while I still have $157 cash and a car that the bank hasn't taken yet. I MUST force myself to stop procrastinating and get dressed and shaved and face the world one more time. Put on my happy face, and act polite and "normal" until I can return to the "safe" confines of my dwelling.

Only three more weeks, and I won't be tired any longer. I will finally be able to relax and not worry anymore about my worth, what people think of me, how I feel, or how I will survive. I will have solved all those problems and more...I will never have to file another federal income tax return or ever worry again about how I will buy food or pay my rent again.

I'm so damn tired of being a "99er". Had there been a "Tier Five", I might have survived to be tired a while longer.

(* My website is presently down. It may, or may not be, resolved.)


  1. I saw Ali on CNN about this article. Can you post the video?

  2. Bud, since you're suffering from depression, I suggest you apply immediately for Social Security disability -- which, if approved, means you're also eligible for Medicare. The numbers of the middle-aged unemployed applying for this are through the roof, for pretty much the same reasons as you describe. I'm pretty sure you'd get it, and that would make you eligible for other help, too.

  3. bud! hey man. got here via huffpost. what an excellent writer you are (and this coming from an excellent writer)! is that your artwork too??? it's all gonna be ok my friend. only reason i know cause i'm there with you. 'n bukowski was there with you and fante and a bunch of others. hang in there sugar. and if you'd like, write to me at we'll compare notes. xo k.

  4. Wow, took all my words exactly. 5 years of ups and downs now. After 25 years of solid work, now layoffs time and again.

    Business Degree, $8,000 project management certification, 15 years enterprise IT expertise. Well-proven success, with an outstanding work ethic, an no job.

    I have faced easy-to-see age discrimination at least twice now. In the work force, 50 is the same as worthless. Now that I am this age, I realize how young I actually am, both in body and mind.

    I now regret not getting a government job when i was younger. Unions own Democrats, mostly, as well as others. They can't be fired for anything because the politicians are their whores.

    But like you, I am so very tired of all aspects, traveling thousands of miles for an interview, working to find work, confusion, my own complaining and all that, constant fear of living on the street in the future, having major clinical depression, which I never had before all this trouble started.

    I had four interviews in December, and I am very glad. However I did not get any of the jobs. I strongly feel it is age discrimination, but there is NO way to be sure. They use BS like 'talked too much'and 'overqualified' to screw you. I work very hard to not blame anyone, it only makes me angry, only hurts my attitude.

    I really want to get some equality in this area. Blacks, mexicans, and homesexuals have had their day in court, now it's OUR turn. And note that I HATE government idiots in our business, but AGE discrimination is very real at this time, and we need to FIGHT to get fair treatment. Where the hell is my F-ing hand-out? Dumb-ass Obama, 80 Billion on a train to no-where, and liberals blast palin? DO you know how many people could get Cisco, Microsoft, or computer programming training on that cash?

    I had not idea that I'd be thinking of suicide in my own life. But I already tried it in 2007... too scared to see it through.

    Maybe I'll pull the disability and Medicare and any free money I can get method, finally give in after paying for everyone else all these years. But when the Dollar fails and the US declares bankruptcy, it will truly be all over, and that's when the REAL insanity will start.

    Buy silver, that's what I'm doing now.